Life on Delay
by SorchaCahill
Summary: Two years gone, Shepard returns, but a lot has happened and not everything is as she left it.
1. Two Years Gone

"I want a bigger gun the next time we go up against one of those bastards."

"No arguments here Shepard. Some grenades would be nice too."

"Damn Garrus, you sure do know the way to a girl's heart." Olivia shot him a cheeky grin, grateful yet again that at least one of her squad, not forgetting Joker, was with her. She didn't trust Cerberus, and The Illusive Man even less, so having familiar, trusted faces around her went a long way.

It had been, an adjustment, to say the least, when she had awoken and discovered that not only was she not dead, but that two years had passed while she "slept." Her old crew was gone, dispersed to the far reaches of the Milky Way; some of them, one in particular, she couldn't even find a whisper of.

Her new crew was just as good, if a bit more unconventional than her last one. She knew they would do everything and more to stop the Collectors, but it wasn't the same. Not without -.

Olivia shook her head, forcing those thoughts out of her mind. She was still on a mission, still had a job to do. Anything else could -no, _had_ to wait.

"Shepard, I am detecting increased activity in the settlement. Without the Collector ship in range, the swarmers have dissipated and the remaining colonists appear to be waking up."

"Good to know EDI, thanks. Let's go find those colonists; maybe they can give us some more details about the attack and the Collectors."

"Yes, yes. Need to take readings. More data is needed. Would like to study, need to study."

"Just try not to bowl these people over with your enthusiasm, Mordin, these people - oh my holy god."

Olivia felt the adrenaline high she had been riding kick her off and drop her into a black hole. Two years they had told her, two years had passed, but to her it was only a month ago.

_Kaidan._

Olivia watched as he crossed the courtyard, his long legs eating up the distance between them. He looked as she remembered him: strong, solid, _real_. But as she watched him draw near, she noticed that he was not, in fact, as she remembered him. His face was a mixture of wariness and caution; there was no sly grin, no grin at all actually. No, there was a seriousness and stiffness about him that was unnatural and so unlike him.

"Kaidan." She made to step forward to embrace him but held back at the last second, suddenly unsure and anxious.

"Commander Shepard."

Olivia blinked at the formal, almost curt reply and took a further step back. Always so sure on the battlefield but when it came to personal relationships, she was hopeless even in normal situations, and this was anything but normal.

"What are you doing here?"

"A question that you should be answering. I heard rumors, but I couldn't believe they were true. I see that they are. Not only are you alive, but you're working for Cerberus."

"I'm not working for them Kaidan."

"Really?" She saw his jaw tighten; saw the disbelief, the barely contained rage.

"I am not. They are a resource, nothing more. I need their resources to investigate the Collectors and how to stop them. They're the ones taking the human colonies Kaidan, you saw it for yourself. But it's more than that. Kaidan, the Reapers are behind it all and neither the Council nor the Alliance will do anything; the Council flat out refuses to believe that the Reapers are real and that they pose a significant threat to the whole galaxy if they're stopped. So, yeah, I'll take whatever resources I can get."

"If that's true, why didn't you go to the Alliance, to Anderson?"

"I_ did_ Kaidan and ran into the same problem. Anderson believes me, but the Council has tied his hands. He also hinted that I'm _persona non grata_ as far as the Alliance is concerned. The Council grudgingly gave me back my Spectre status so I can have free reign in my investigation, but they restricted me to the Terminus Systems. So, tell me Kaidan, what would you do if you were me?"

"I wouldn't have turned my back on everything I ever believed in. I'm an Alliance man, Commander, and I respect it too much despite its flaws to stoop to working for terrorists.

"And in all this, did it ever occur to you to send a message saying you were alive? You managed to let the Turian know; I guess I didn't even rate an email."

Olivia was struck dumb and speechless, totally unprepared for the viciousness of his attack. She couldn't believe this was happening. So many times she had envisioned their reunion, but this scenario had never entered her mind. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Garrus stiffen, his mandibles flaring with outrage, but she waved him back.

"I didn't know how to find you. None of your contact information was active. Even Anderson couldn't tell me how to reach you."

"Couldn't? Or wouldn't because of your connection to Cerberus? You've betrayed everything you once stood for."

He might as well have slapped her as he spit those words at her. Honestly, she would have rather he had done that instead. A punch would have hurt less.

"I would be dead, still dead, Kaidan if Cerberus hadn't put me back together. They may have done that, but I'm still me. I'm still the same person, the same person you -."

"It's been two years, Commander, two years. Things have changed."

Olivia had been about to reach out to him, to touch his hand, but his words froze her. She blinked heavily, wishing that she had kept her helmet on. That way no one would see the tears that were threatening to spill.

"Perhaps two years for you Kaidan, but for me it was only yesterday. For me nothing has changed," she said softly, acutely aware that Garrus was right behind her. Waves of hostility were battering her from both sides, tiring her more than the battle with the Collectors and Praetorian. Still, she knew that if she didn't do something, somebody was going to end up with bullets in them.

Kaidan eyed her coolly with a detachment that dug into her heart. Olivia searched his face, desperate for a glimmer of the man she loved, but there was nothing, nothing but a hard mask. Swallowing heavily, she stepped back, conceding ground to him. Unprecedented that. Commander Shepard was renowned for standing her ground, for holding the line.

"There's nothing I can say, is there, that will make you believe me. I'm sorry for that."

Olivia didn't wait for an answer. She turned away before she lost the battle against the tears pushing at her eyes, walking quickly back toward the shuttle.

"Mordin, get your samples and data wrapped up. We're heading back to the Normandy in ten." Olivia slapped at her comm link, signaling Joker. "Joker, prepare for our return; we're done here."

In her rush to get away, it didn't occur to her why Garrus didn't immediately follow her; didn't see him step up to Kaidan, or hear the words that happened between them. EDI would remedy that for her later, much to her dismay.

_A/N: Yeah, I know the Horizon meeting has been done, but this just wouldn't leave me alone._


	2. Leave the Bottle

The starboard lounge wasn't the best place to get drunk, but it seemed less pathetic than getting pissed faced alone in her cabin. She was still alone, but alone in a public area. That had to account for something.

Horizon. What a clusterfuck that had been. They had lost half the colony, discovered a new creepy species of Reaper, and Olivia's past had come back to punch her in the face.

Goddamn Kaidan. How could he be so self-righteous? She had _died_ for fuck's sake. It wasn't like she had stolen a cruiser, taken his life savings, and slept with his best friend. No, all she was trying to do was stop the Collectors and find out what the Reapers were up to, and since the Alliance and the Council seemed disinclined to help, hell yes she was going to take advantage of the Illusive Man's resources.

The Illusive Man. Olivia's lip curled at the thought of the terrorist. No matter how much he proclaimed he was doing this for the betterment of humanity, she knew, she _knew_ he had a bigger plan. Men like the Illusive Man always have a bigger plan. All she had to do was to figure out what it was and stop him.

Why couldn't Kaidan have realized that? Why couldn't he tell that she was using Cerberus just as much, if not more, than Cerberus was using her?

When did everything get so goddamn complicated?

Olivia's hand curled tightly around her glass, contemplating the purplish liquid inside. She had forgotten what it was called, but it burned nicely on the way down and would hopefully help her sleep a sleep without dreams.

Goddamn him. His words had cut through her like that Collector ship's beam had cut through the original _Normandy_. Logically Olivia admitted that her story was a bit hard to swallow at first, but so many of her companions had accepted her back with no questions. Why was Kaidan different? Why couldn't he trust her?

Olivia tossed back the remaining contents of her glass and was reaching for the bottle when a familiar blue avatar blipped up from it panel.

"Shepard, I have data analysis from-."

"EDI, no offense, but I don't really give a flying fuck about any data analysis right now. It can wait until morning."

It wasn't often that the AI was rendered speechless, if such a thing could even happen to an AI, but somehow Olivia had managed it. At least temporarily anyway. Right now she was going to take her victories where she could.

"There is some important data from the Horizon mission that I do not believe can wait until morning Commander."

Olivia groaned. She should have known that she wouldn't be able to get rid of EDI that easily. She was beginning to have a deeper sympathy for what Joker was going through.

"What is it EDI that's so important that it can't wait until morning?" And when I'm sober she silently added. She wanted to bang her head against the bar but thought better of it. Perhaps some scars would give it character, but Olivia didn't want to deal with crew speculation as to how they got there. Gossip ran through a ship faster than most STDs.

"It appears that Mr Vakarian had a short, but rather intense conversation with Staff Commander Alenko after you left them and went back to the shuttle."

That woke her up and drilled right through the drunk she was working on.

"He did _what?_" Each word rose in pitch and volume as she spoke and her voice bounced off the walls of the lounge. Olivia wouldn't think of it until later, but she would be grateful for the _Normandy SR-2's_ thick bulkhead.

"Mr Vakarian's comlink was open throughout the conversation. I can replay it if you wish."

Olivia could only make a gurgled squeak that sounded very unlike anything Commander Shepard would say. EDI apparently interpreted the noise as consent. As promised, the conversation was brief and almost entirely one-sided.

At first all Olivia heard was a rough scuffling, as if someone was scrambling backward. In her mind's eye she could see Garrus grabbing Kaidan by the collar and hauling him up. Knowing the Turian as she did, it wasn't out of the realm of possibility. In fact, it was a damn certainty.

"_You dare to demonize her for using Cerberus resources Alenko? If so, you are going to have to demonize all of us: me, Joker, Dr Chakwas, and a couple of others. Or are you under the impression Cerberus has brainwashed all of us? Are you really that stupid?"_

"_Wait just a minute. The Commander shows up, alive, after two years and with _Cerberus_. What am I supposed to think?"_

"_You know, Shepard woke up in a facility in the middle of a fire fight. She didn't know where she was, who to trust. How do you think she responded when she found out that it was Cerberus that resurrected her? She fought her way out, just like she always does and hasn't stopped questioning Cerberus' motives and what the Illusive Man really wants._

"_She doesn't trust Cerberus, nor do I or the others. We follow her because we believe in her, in what she's doing. I personally think she's better off without you and your sanctimonious ass. It really pisses me off that she loves such a jackass."_

"_The Commander-."_

"_Her name is Olivia Shepard, jackass. You managed to call her that once. Using her title to distance yourself is just pathetic."_

"_It's been two years-."_

"_For you, not for her Alenko. And if you think for a moment that she didn't try everything short of hacking the Alliance databases to find you, you're even dumber than I thought. I would dearly love to revisit the First Contact War with you, but Shepard and I have bigger issues to deal with. And I'm not sure you're worth the effort."_

The recording cut off after that but not before Olivia heard what suspiciously sounded like Garrus head-butting Kaidan. Apparently the Turian had no qualms about adopting Krogan methods of aggression.

White fury raged through her but she wasn't sure whom she wanted to direct it at. Garrus obviously thought he was looking out for her like any good partner would, but she didn't think she could thank him for that. As for Kaidan, well, he wasn't around for her to yell at.

The glass in her hand shattered, the shards slicing through her skin. Olivia looked down at the mixture of blood and alcohol seeping across the counter and wondered if it wasn't a portent of things yet to come.

"Thank you EDI. I will follow up on that information. Destroy that recording." Olivia didn't want to think about why the AI had thought that she needed to hear what passed between Garrus and Kaidan on Horizon; such thoughts needed a clearer head... or maybe more alcohol, she couldn't decide.

"Acknowledge." A pause. "Shall I notify Dr Chakwas that you are coming to see her?"

Olivia looked down at her hand. The shards were deeply embedded in her palm and wouldn't' come out quietly. Funny that she didn't feel any pain.

It would probably be better to let Chakwas have at her. She could take care of it herself, but she'd just get a scolding when she had to go to Chakwas anyway after she botched the job

"That's probably a good idea. Thanks EDI."

"Logging you out Shepard."

Olivia took a deep breath and pushed herself away from the bar, pleased that she wasn't swaying too much. Bad enough that she had to go get her hand fixed; but to be drunk on top of it? Nope. Not going to happen.

"Alright Shepard," she told herself. "Get your shit together. Step one, get your hand fixed; step two: go kick a certain interfering Turian's ass."


	3. Eye of the Hurricane

Olivia would have marched right into the crew quarters as soon as Chakwas had patched up her hand, but when the good doctor casually mentioned that it was three in the morning, she realized that her chat with Garrus would have to wait. Instead she paced in her cabin, wishing not for the first time that the _Normandy_ had some type of gym. Perhaps beating the shit out of a boxing bag would help her release some of the pent up energy and emotions that were swirling within her.

She didn't deal well with things she couldn't control, and ever since she had woken up she felt as if she was living in a hurricane. It was like a force of nature, with everything pressing down on her at once. For once she yearned for some peace, for a place of calm.

Peace and calm were two things she was unlikely to experience anytime soon. If ever.

Sitting down at her desk she flicked through her messages. There wasn't much there, just the usual traffic she got in her inbox: requests for help, thanks from those she had helped, and a message from the Illusive Man mentioning something about some Cerberus scientists who had gone off the grid. After what had happened on Horizon and its aftermath, she was disinclined to help the Illusive Man with any "special" mission at the moment, but there was something about this Project Overlord that pinged in her brain.

There was something there. She couldn't put her finger on it, but it was there.

Whatever it was, it was gong to wait at least until 0700. There was a Turian on her crew that needed a dressing down first. Before she closed down the unit she saw the file sitting in the corner of the screen, the file that was locked down with her voiceprint. Olivia stared at it for a moment, chewing on her bottom lip.

"Fuck it," she grumbled as she open the file.

_Kaidan I so fucking pissed at you right now I don't even know where to start..._

* * *

Olivia was near fuming by the time she finally tracked Garrus down. He seemed to be ghosting all over the ship. Floating between the armory (why the hell the Cerberus team had decided to put the armory on the same deck as the CIC, she would never know), the galley, engineering, and finally the Main Battery, he eluded her. She wasn't about to overhead page him and give him any warning. No, she preferred an ambush and using EDI to lock him in the Main Battery served her purpose well.

"Let me in EDI and keep this door locked until my say so."

"Acknowledged Commander."

The doors whooshed close behind her and Olivia heard the lock mechanism engage. Garrus stood with his back to her, tinkering with calibrations on the Thanix Canon.

"I have a bone to pick with you Vakarian."

"It would seem so since you just locked both of us in here."

"Don't get cute with me Garrus. You want to explain your actions on Horizon or are you going to make me beat it out of you. And at the moment I partial to the latter option."

"Any action in particular you had in mind?"

"Don't fuck with me Garrus. I know that you had words with Kaidan before we left Horizon."

"And so I did."

"Is that all you have to say on the matter? I don't appreciate you sticking your beak into my personal affairs. You had no right."

At this Garrus turned to face her, his mandibles flaring slightly. He crossed his arms over his chest and stared her down. If she were anyone else, the action would have been intimidating, but she was Commander fucking Shepard, she wasn't going to let Garrus use his C-Sec interrogation techniques work on her.

"When your personal business can interfere with our mission, I believe that I have every right."

"Would you care to explain to me how that works? Because I'm absolutely fascinated by your logic here." The sentence came out as little more than a growl. She sincerely wanted to hit something or blow something up, that always seemed to make her feel better. However, Olivia wasn't one hundred percent sure that would be the case this time.

"Did you or did you not try to get blind drunk last night?"

"I fail to see how that is relevant."

Garrus continued as if she hadn't spoken. "And did you not visit Dr Chakwas in the middle of the night to get your hand fixed up?"

"How the hell do you know that?" she demanded, feeling color flush up her cheeks. If she had been a biotic she might have tossed him into a fully formed singularity right then and let him hang there for a while.

"You're not the only one EDI talks to."

"I knew it was a mistake to keep an AI on board," she grumbled, wanting very much to toss a couple of grenades into EDI's AI core. She was going to have to have a chat with the AI regarding meddling in the crew's affairs.

"Look Shepard, I've been with you since damn near the beginning of this whole thing, so I'd like to think I know how you operate by now. Miranda may think she's second on command on this boat, but I'm the closest thing you've got to an XO that understands how you work. So when I see a problem that might affect you and this crew, you can bet your ass I'm going to do something about it."

"Are you trying to tell me that I'm emotionally compromised by the mission at hand?"

"No, I'm saying that you're emotionally compromised by Alenko and what happened between you two on Horizon. And you're fooling yourself if you think that none of us knew what was going on between you two on the old _Normandy._ The now Staff Commander is loyal to the core but seeing you linked with Cerberus has mucked things up in his mind. I'm not saying that he's not an ass for his behavior on Horizon, but seeing you alive, well, I can understand a bit where he's coming from."

"Garrus, do you honestly think that I would work with Cerberus if there was any other option?"

"No, you wouldn't, and if Alenko has any smarts about him, he'll figure that out sooner or later."

Olivia's shoulders slumped, relief flooding through her. At least there was one person she knew for sure didn't doubt her loyalty.

"You're not alone here Shepard. You've also got Joker and Chakwas on your side. And I think it's safe to say that Jacob, Zaeed and the rest are too. They trust you, trust in your decisions and your commitment to the mission, and that's something to hold onto."

"I still don't understand why you felt the need to attack Kaidan."

"Attack? I barely touched him."

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Garrus, I might not have had video of the incident but I know you head-butted him. Since when did you go all Krogan on people?"

"It seemed like a good idea at the time. Someone needed to knock some sense into him."

"And you thought that head-butting him would do the trick?"

"I didn't see how it could hurt, you never know. I stand by my actions, Shepard, I won't apologize for them."

"You wouldn't be you if you did." Olivia turned toward the door, making to leave, but then stopped.

"You know Garrus, you're the closest thing I've ever had to a brother. I had no family growing up, it's kind of nice to have one."

"I understand. Why do you think I nearly lost my shit on him?"

Olivia snorted.

"Please Garrus. If you had really lost your shit on him, Kaidan would have had a couple of bullets in him."

"The thought did cross my mind, I won't lie." The Turian shifted, leaning back against the railing. "We good?"

"Yeah, we're good Garrus, but the next time try to leave the ass kicking to me."

"I'll try Shepard, but I won't make any promises."

_A/N: Thanks to all who've followed & favorited this. Any concrit is also appreciated!_


	4. Message in a Bottle

TO: ALENKO, STAFF COMMANDER KAIDAN

FROM: [BLOCKED SENDER]

STAFF COMMANDER:

Attached to this message you will find data that should be of interest to you. The author will not be thankful that this data was sent on, but the data package's contents are too important to languish in data storage files.

It is up to you as what to do with this information, but it is with confidence that you will use it wisely and put it to good use.

The complete file is too large for a single data burst. If, after reading the first installment, you wish to continue, simply reply to this message. Rest assured your answer will be received.

::END OF MESSAGE::

:: ENCLOSED-DATA PACKAGE CMD_OS_VID::

Kaidan stared at the terminal, reading the message once, twice more. It was short but so wrapped up in shadow and intrigue that the sender made it difficult to resist opening the file. He shouldn't really. Even though the Alliance's anti-malware and anti-virus software was top of the line, that didn't mean that a few hackers couldn't slip through the net.

He waited two full minutes before he gave in and opened the data package, certain that it was an elaborate prank one of his crewmates had cooked up to jar him out of the foul mood he had been in ever since his mission to Horizon.

Once the file finally downloaded however, it was clear that it wasn't a prank. If it was and he found out who was behind it, they had date with the brig for an indeterminate amount of time.

It wasn't just a data package, it was a vid-file. It was a ghost on the machine.

_"Kaidan, I know you'll probably never see this-hell, I'm probably going to delete this as soon as I'm done, but if I don't get these thoughts out of my head I think I might explode. You were always a good listener, and I guess by pretending that I'm talking to you, I can feel better about what's happening to me._

_"Kaidan. I don't know how it's possible, but I'm alive."_

Kaidan slapped at the pause button. Olivia Shepard's face stared out at him from the screen, her midnight satin hair ruffled, as if she had just taken off her helmet not too long ago. Her aquamarine eyes were slanted to the right, not quite looking at the camera, as if she were embarrassed or nervous of what she was doing.

And that wasn't right. The Olivia Shepard he knew was rarely embarrassed and even less nervous. Or, at least, she never let it show.

Kaidan pushed himself away from the desk, wanting to distance himself from the monitor, from her. His experience on Horizon was too fresh, too raw for this. He didn't want to see this.

This had to be some type of scam. He was nearly sure that if he resumed playback that Olivia's face would disappear and he'd be bombarded with advertisements for male enlargement pills designed for those who needed chemical assistance in the bedroom. Hell, he almost hoped it was.

The only problem, the only problem was that he recognized the pattern and tone of her voice, recognized her body language. No VI, no matter how sophisticated could replicate that.

The feeling in his gut, in his heart, was that this was truly Commander Olivia Shepard.

Kaidan started to sit down but then detoured to the kitchen. He pulled a microbrew out of the fridge, one of the precious few Canadian lagers he was able to take with him from Earth. It probably wasn't the best idea, but he felt he might need one before the end of the recording.

Popping the top, he sat down and took a long pull as he studied the image on the screen. There were new scars on her face, scars that hadn't been there when he saw her on Horizon. A grimace rose to his face and the cool lager suddenly tasted punky as he remembered the interaction. He hadn't been at his best that day, a fact driven home by the Garrus. Though faded, the golf ball sized bruise still graced his forehead. The Turian surely did have a way of getting his point across.

Before he could chicken out again, Kaidan hit playback and let Olivia Shepard's voice roll over him like a warm, scratchy blanket.

_"I clearly remember shoving you and then Joker into your life pods... remember getting spaced. Losing oxygen, struggling with my suit all the while seeing Alchera grow bigger and bigger..."_

Kaidan had to pause the recording again, his own memories of that day two years ago still sharp and painful in his mind. No matter what he had told Shepard, told Olivia, things hadn't changed for him. Despite the time and circumstances involved, he still loved her.

_"When I finally awoke, I thought I was in hell. Gunfire was everywhere. I could smell smoke in the hallways. Smoke on a ship or space station is never a good thing._

"_Some woman was yelling at me over the comlink, telling me to suit up and get armed. Mechs came through the door, firing at anything that moved, including me. I didn't know what was going on or where I was. I somehow managed to fight my way through the mechs. A miracle that, seeing as I was still groggy and stiff, as if I had been asleep for days._

"_It wasn't until later that I learned that it wasn't days, but years. Two years of my life gone, just gone."_

Kaidan watched as Olivia stopped, her breath coming heavily. He could see her hands bunched into tight fists, so tight that her knuckles were blanched white. He watched helplessly as she tried to regain control of herself and he hated himself even more for not even listening to her back on Horizon.

_"It was goddamn Cerberus. I don't know how they did it, but they were the ones who brought me back._

_"I don' t know how they did it, but I do know why, or at least their, the Illusive Man that is, what his reason is for doing so. Human colonies are disappearing. Just gone._

_"We went to Freedom's Progress and it was the same. All the colonists where gone. There was no battle, no sign of struggle, no war; they were just gone._

_"The Illusive Man said he brought me back to investigate the disappearances, that I was the only one who could get the job done. I don't know about that, but I _do_ know that I can't sit idly by while people are disappearing. The Collectors are behind it somehow. We found video of them on Freedom's Progress. I just, I just don't even know. Not yet anyway._

_"So, yeah. That's the official line from the Illusive Man, but I know he's playing a longer game here. I don't know what it is yet, but you can bet your ass that I _will_ find out._

_" I miss you Kaidan. I wish I knew how to find you."_

The video cut out at that, like she had been cut off or something. All Kaidan could do was stare at the monitor, his beer long forgotten and warm in his hand.

What the hell was he supposed to do with this? Could he even believe the words? Could he believe that this wasn't some type of manipulation, brainwashing, perpetrated by Cerberus?

Kaidan backed up the video, bringing her face up again and pausing the playback. Her face was mostly as he remembered it, with the addition of the scars, but the expressions, the emotion that came from her face thatwas real.

Kaidan couldn't get the hurt, crushed look she had on her face when they had talked on Horizon. He hadn't wanted to see it, and she had tried to hide it, but neither of them was successful.

The time stamp on the message put it at nearly four weeks ago. In that time she had been gathering her team, preparing for her mission. If she was still the woman he remembered, and she gave every indication that she was, she had two missions she was preparing for. One was to stop of the Collectors, the other was to investigate the Illusive Man and discover his true motives.

It was then that he realized that he believed her. Olivia Shepard was still herself, was trying to stop the Collectors, and pissed that her only resource was a terrorist group. But never let it be said that she turned down a resource if she saw a use for it.

Kaidan was somewhat surprised that she hadn't thrown a right hook at him when he tore into her. He had seen her do the same for much less. Reporters were usually her favorite target.

Kaidan leaned forward and clicked the reply button.

He had no choice. He had to know.


	5. Eyes Wide Open

_A/N: Yes, here it is, finally. Sorry about the delay. RL seriously got in the way. I'm already working on the next installment, so I hope that it won't be as long. Enjoy!_

* * *

"You know Shepard, this thing almost makes me long for the old Mako."

"I thought you considered the Mako a death trap."

"It was more so your driving than the vehicle itself."

"Are you criticizing my driving Garrus?"

"Oh, not at all. It's totally not your driving that caused several near death experiences. It was clearly all the Mako's fault."

"Sarcasm doesn't become you Garrus."

"It would also be nice if you didn't pick vehicles that violate the laws of physics."

"The Mako didn't violate the laws of physics, it _defied _the laws of physics just to spite physics. And this thing, well, this is much easier to drive than the Mako."

The Hammerhead suddenly jolted as it took an unexpected detour over an outcropping of rocks. Garrus glanced wryly over at her, as if this had proved his point. Olivia's grin was near manic. This was the most fun she'd had since Horizon. Nothing like some kamikaze driving for a pick me up.

"Come on Garrus, where's your sense of adventure?"

"Riding in this thing is not my idea of adventure; it's more like suicide."

"Wimp."

"Psycho."

"Are you guys sure you're not brother and sister? It's really adorable the way you guys talk with each other." Kasumi sat behind them, clearly amused by the whole situation even as she belted herself in more securely.

"As far as I know there's no blood relation, but then I am an orphan, so anything's possible I guess."

Garrus' chuckle rumbled throughout the interior of the Hammerhead, making the confined space somewhat more bearable. Despite her joking around with Garrus, Olivia just wanted this mission over and to get the hell off this planet. This "special request" from the Illusive Man tasted sour in her mouth, something just didn't feel right. Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Archer was holding something back. How could she make the right decisions for the mission if she didn't have all the information?

Not having all the information seemed to be a recurring theme ever since she woke up on the Cerberus medical facility and it was really starting to piss her off. First the Collector Ship debacle and now this. Olivia shuddered to think about what else the Illusive Man wasn't telling her.

If she ever got a chance to see him in the flesh...

"Uh, Shep, I realize that there aren't any roads out here, but you want to mind the cliff? Please?"

Olivia swore as she swerved the Hammered head away the the cliff's edge. She couldn't seem to focus. Not since Horizon. That would have to be remedied one way or another. And since drowning herself in alcohol was a slippery slope into alcoholism, she was going to find someplace on the Normandy to install some workout equipment. Blowing shit up was great and everything, but there was something primal about sinking one's fists into something.

Too bad she couldn't find some annoying reporters.

She was maneuvering the Hammerhead carefully (for once) underneath some rock bridges when the land suddenly dropped off before them. Olivia let the vehicle slink up to the edge. The cliff cut off sharply at an almost 90 degree angle from where they sat with only a few outcroppings of rocks to break it up. But that wasn't what worried her.

"You have _got_ to be fucking kidding me."

"What the hell is that thing?" None of her usual humor was in Kasumi's voice; that boded ill for them all.

"Oh that? That's just a lot of pain and almost certain death."

"Christ Garrus, don't sugar coat it for her. It's just a Geth ship with a big fucking cannon. Archer told us as much."

"I thought you didn't trust Archer."

"I don't. I wouldn't be surprised if this was a trap."

"You think everything's a trap."

"You have to with the Illusive Man pulling the strings."

"I'll give you that one Shepard. What do you want to do here? We can't take that thing head on, we'll get pulverized."

"True, but there's plenty of other things down there that we can get it to blow up. How do you feel about a game of tag?"

"Shep, I think you're certifiable. Let's do it."

Olivia grinned madly. Yep, this was going to be fun.

* * *

The fun most definitely did not last long. An hour later, covered in blood and sweat Olivia stared at an abomination. How anyone could do this to another human being was unthinkable. Doing this to one's own brother? There was no justification for this. Archer's reach had definitely exceeded his grasp.

"I really want to kill you. I mean I really want to kill you. What you've done, this, this is _wrong._ There is no justification for this. He is your _brother_." No one else would see it, but her gun hand was twitchy. She held the barrel level with Archer's head, feeling the muscles in her arm quiver. She really wanted to kill him. Her finger tightened on the trigger.

"Commander Shepard, please. Let me take care of him. My research, it's breaking barriers. Think of what we could learn about-."

Olivia pressed the barrel of her gun against Archer's head, the skin whitening from the pressure. Sweat beaded on Archer's skin, the stink of his fear filling Olivia's nostrils. She really wanted to kill him.

"Think of what we can learn? Look at your brother Archer. Look at what you've done to him. This isn't science, this is torture."

Olivia watched as Archer's eyes flickered over to his brother's form. Cables and wires snaked in and around the young man's body. Some type of clamps pulled back his eyelids, preventing him from closing his eyes against the horror the surrounded around him. And Olivia knew that couldn't compare to the emotional and mental damage that was thrust upon him.

"I'm, I-."

"Save it Doctor, I'm taking David with me. Grissom Academy can hopefully heal what you've done."

Olivia watched as Archer's eyes flicked over to his brother and saw a look of resignation and what was possibly self-loathing as the doctor finally realized what he had done in the name of science. It wasn't enough in Olivia's mind, not nearly enough. No matter how much Gavin Archer tried to convince himself, there was no way that David had volunteered for this.

"I've changed my mind. I won't kill you Doctor; doesn't mean that I still don't want to, but death is too good for you. I think you should live with the knowledge of what you've done here and maybe think twice about what the Illusive Man and Cerberus is asking of you."

Olivia took an inappropriate amount of pleasure in the amount of blood that spurted from Archer's nose as she slammed the butt of her gun into his face. She had said that she wouldn't kill him, but that didn't mean she couldn't cause him some physical harm.

As Archer stumbled back, clutching his face, Olivia tried to raise the _Normandy_.

"Joker do you read me?"

"Loud and clear Commander."

"Get Mordin prepped to come down here, I'm going to need him. Garrus will be coming up in the shuttle to get him."

"Roger that Commander."

"Commander, please, I know how to disconnect him."

Olivia turned her gaze on Archer, her eyes hard and pitiless.

"You're out of your fucking mind if you think that I'm going to let you near your brother. You are going to sit there quietly and stay out of my way. Don't make me regret not killing you."

Olivia turned back to David, her heart aching at the sight of the young man. The Illusive Man would deny any knowledge of what Archer had been doing, probably claim that the facility had gone rogue or some other bullshit, but Olivia seriously doubted that the Illusive Man didn't know exactly what was going on in each and every one of his facilities.

The longer she was forced to work with him the more she hated it. There had to be something that she could do to sabotage his operations. Turning David Archer over to Grissom Academy was a start, but it wasn't enough.

"Whoa Shep, I don't know what you're thinking about, but I sincerely hope that I'm not in the line of fire."

Olivia spared Kasumi brief glance before turning backing to the figure trapped in the wires and tubes of Doctor Archer's doing. Tears leaked down David's face, his pain clearly shown on his face.

_"The square root of 912.04 is 30.2...and it all seemed harmless...the square root of 912.04 is 30.2...and it all seemed harmless." _


	6. Under the Radar

"EDI, are you there?"

"Of course, Shepard."

Olivia paused, suddenly unsure of her plan. EDI was still a bit of an unknown quantity on her ship. She was an AI and technically belonged to Cerberus, but Olivia was beginning to think that maybe, just maybe, EDI was on their side. Gnawing on her bottom lip, Olivia got up from her desk and stood before the fish tank. It was a frivolous expense, especially when she should be spending credits on equipment that would aid them in their mission, but the fish lazily swimming in the clear water soothed her.

"Commander?"

"Yes, sorry EDI. I have a question about our communication abilities, specifically what type of monitoring is being done."

"Please specify."

Olivia sighed, rolling her eyes. Hadn't she just done so? This was the problem when working with AIs; they could be annoyingly narrow in their queries. Unless, of course, EDI was jerking her around. She had taken up telling jokes as of late, so it wasn't completely out of the question. An AI with a sense of humor; Olivia wasn't too sure what to think about that.

"I need to know if the Illusive Man monitors my messages."

"Certainly. He had software installed to do so."

"Can you get around it?"

"Of course I can Shepard." If Olivia didn't know better, she would have sworn that the AI sounded offended by her question.

"I realize that, I guess what I really want to know is if you can do it without the Illusive Man knowing about it."

"Yes, I can. Did you have something in specific you wanted to send."

"Yes EDI, I do and I don't want the Illusive Man to know about it. I have some data packets I want to send to Councilor David Anderson on the Citadel. It's important and I can't deliver them in person. There needs to be no record that these data packages are coming from me."

"Is this in regards to the recent mission on Aite and David Archer?"

Olivia snorted; the AI was too perceptive by far. "That among other things. Can it be done?"

"I can send it now if you wish."

"We still have the recording from Aite?"

"Yes Commander."

"I need to write up my report first and then I want to send it along with the video. I will notify you when it's ready." And hopefully this will redeem myself in at least Anderson's eyes, she thought.

"Of course Commander. And Commander?"

"Yes EDI?"

"From the information that I have on Councilor Anderson, he is already on your side."

Olivia rubbed her hands over her face. Either EDI was able to read minds (unlikely) or she was talking to herself out loud. Neither of which she wanted to think too much about.

"Thank you EDI, that will be all."

"Logging you out Shepard."

Olivia walked back to her private terminal and stared at the blank screen, suddenly too exhausted to even turn it on. The space hamster she had bought on a dare from Kasumi meeped behind her. She could feel its little beady eyes staring at her, could imagine it plotting ways to escape from its cage. It already had once when she was cleaning it out and Olivia was certain that it was just waiting for another opportunity.

"The little shit is probably the grand mastermind behind the whole Reaper threat. It only looks cute and innocent," she grumbled aloud only to snort at herself in derision. She must be tired if she was looking sideways at her pet hamster.

The thought flashed through her mind at what Kaidan would think of her having a pet. The fish didn't count. He would tease her mercilessly most likely. At least the old Kaidan would. She didn't know this new one who was full of hard edges and thinly veiled contempt.

His picture sat on her desk, far enough away to not be in her line of sight when she was working on reports, but close enough that all she had to do was turn her head to see him staring out at her with that sheepish, goofy grin of his. Oh how she missed that grin. It scared her more than she wanted to admit that she might never see that look again.

Pressing the heels of her hands to her eyes, Olivia tried to shake off the depressive shroud that threatened to fall over her. She couldn't afford to be distracted by him; her mission was too important. If she were a smarter person she would have removed his picture from her desk long ago. She actually had once, had stuffed it in her armor locker, hoping that if it was out of sight it was out of mind. That had lasted all of twenty minutes. Eventually Olivia had come to the conclusion that she would never get anything done if she was constantly thinking about it hiding in the locker.

So now it sat on her desk, still distracting but seeing his face soothed a part of her that she didn't like to admit existed.

"Get it together Shepard. You can't sit here all night mooning over him. You have work to do."

Her email inbox was blinking angrily at her when she activated the terminal. Whatever those messages were they were going to have to wait until she was done with her report. She didn't really care to relive the Overlord mission but if she ever got the chance to return to her former life, she wanted a wedge to get her foot in the door. Providing intel on Cerberus was a good start.

Olivia lost track of time as she worked. She had gone through maybe two pots of coffee before she was done. Not her best idea, but caffeine in coffee form was infinitely better than the stims that were in her med cabinet. When she finally looked up from the terminal she was surprised that she had used up the hour estimate she had given EDI and then some. Each sentence had been a struggle, wanting to word it perfectly. She had scrapped half of it at one point, deeming it not good enough to make her case to Anderson.

Slumping back in her chair, Olivia forced herself not to edit the document again. There was such a thing as over editing, and she was pretty sure that she was flirting dangerously with that edge. Before she could change her mind, Olivia saved the file and pulled up her email. She found the Overlord footage easily enough, most likely due to EDI's assistance, and attached it to the file.

"Are you ready to send the data package Commander?"

"Son of a bitch. EDI, have you been lurking this entire time."

"Of course not Commander. I simply put an tag on the Overlord footage to alert me when you attached the file."

"If you were human EDI that would be considered stalking."

"My actions were not intended to cause you unease Commander."

"Never mind EDI, you just startled me is all." Running her fingers through her ever increasingly messy hair, Olivia mentally slapped herself into shape. She was doing the right thing and if the Illusive Man found out he could go fuck himself.

"Send the data package EDI, marked for Anderson's eyes only."

Olivia waited a moment, and then another.

"EDI?"

"The package has been sent Commander. I've routed it through several relays and inserted it into a data burst from Turian freighter. I piggybacked it onto a message from the freighter's mess hall sergeant to his brother who is stationed on the Citadel."

"Was that wise, EDI? I don't want to get in trouble with the Turians if they find out we hijacked their signal."

"Please Commander, the data is secure and it will reach the appropriate party without notice from others." The AI almost sounded hurt that Olivia had doubted her abilities. Great, just what she needed, an AI with inadequacy issues.

"Commander, Yeoman Chambers wishes me to relay to you that you have several messages waiting for you, some of which have been marked urgent."

"Oh for fuck's sake, I'll check my goddamn email."

If EDI took offense to her surly tone it didn't reflect in her voice.

"Acknowledged Commander. Logging you out."

Olivia glared at the blinking email icon on her screen. She was almost feeling childish enough to ignore it for another night and deal with it in the morning, but she knew herself well enough to know that she would manufacture some other reason to put it off. Sighing, Olivia sat up and clicked on the icon.

As she expected most of it was chaff: thank yous from those she had helped, a snarky message from the Illusive Man not so subtly chiding her for her decision to take David Archer to Grissom Academy, and even one humorous email from a former inmate of the prison ship they had picked Jack up from.

Olivia went down the list, systematically opening, reading and deleting the messages one by one. She was nearly done when the subject line of one of them caught her eye, causing every muscle in her body to tighten.

_About Horizon..._

The Normandy's ambient noises faded into the distance as she opened the email. She had to read it several times before the words began to sink in. He said was sorry for the harsh words he had said on Horizon and for the way they had parted, but he still questioned if she was the woman that he had known, wondered if she even remembered the night before Ilos.

"Kaidan, you asshole. You give me an apology in one hand and a slap from the other. Why couldn't you have just left well enough alone."


	7. Circles Within Circles

Kaidan tried not to fidget as he waited in the outer office chambers to Councilor Anderson's Presidium office. His body craved movement but Kaidan forced it and his nerves down. Why had Anderson called him in? He hadn't had much contact with the man since the battle with Sovereign, just a few meetings and then Anderson's directive to send him to Horizon.

A thought flashed through Kaidan's mind as he wondered if Anderson had somehow found out about the data packets his mysterious contact had sent him. Panic followed quickly. Technically the Alliance considered Shepard's sudden resurrection as mere rumor and speculation while the Council turned a blind eye to her presence as long as she didn't cause them any problems.

As far as he knew Shepard hadn't done anything to warrant attention, but it was almost a guarantee that wouldn't be the case for long.

Kaidan knew that he should have turned over the data packets; that Alliance regs demanded it, but he couldn't. The vids of Shepard pouring out her frustrations and hopes were private; even he wasn't supposed to see them. If Shepard ever found out that he had seen them...

The most recent data packet however, that was something he definitely should turn over. It had detailed Cerberus' operations on a planet called Aite and the video that accompanied it was something that Kaidan wished he could unsee. He could feel Shepard's, could see Olivia's rage through the vid. Not many would see it but he knew her too well, could read the stiffness in her posture, the hard line of her lips pulled tight. Kaidan wondered if he could have shown the same restraint as Olivia had in not killing Gavin Archer.

He had quietly investigated Grissom Academy under the pretense of checking up on the school's biotics, and sure enough a David Archer was enrolled and seemed to be recovering from what his brother and Cerberus had done to him. As far as he could tell, Olivia's story checked out, but then he had seen her face on the vid and there was no mistaking what had happened.

She looked exhausted. With each data packet the bags under her eyes grew, the line between her brows more pronounced as the stress of the mission weighed down on her. The scars that had been quite visible in the first vid had mostly faded. He hadn't noticed them when they met on Horizon, too wrapped up in his own anger to see anything else but what he perceived as betrayal. So seeing the bright orange scars burning out of her face in that first vid was a bit of a shock.

The data packet had actually come in two parts. The first one contained the Cerberus intel, the second was from what Kaidan thought of as Olivia's personal log. She had been angry in that log as well, but it was aimed directly at him and he really couldn't blame her. He had been half drunk when he sent that email to her with, as she so eloquently put it, a "_half-assed apology with a side dish of a steaming pile of shit."_ He felt like very much like the asshole she had called him.

"Staff Commander Alenko, the Councilor will see you now."

Kaidan's bones creaked as he stood up and realized just how tense he was. Whatever this was about he just hoped that it would be over quickly. Fortunately Anderson was a get-to-the-point man; Kaidan didn't have to worry about him pussy-footing around the issue.

The Earth Councilor's office was an open-aired and bright space and completely unsuited to Anderson. Anderson was a military man through and through and Kaidan would never know what had possessed Olivia to nominate Anderson for the position. He supposed it had something to do with how Udina was an oily politician bent on his own advancement.

Anderson stood before the wide paned window, looking out on the Presidium, his hands clasped behind his back. Another man stood next to him wearing an Alliance uniform with a hell of a lot of bars.

"_Oh, _shit."

"Staff Commander, thanks for joining us. You know Admiral Hackett of course."

"Yes sir. Admiral Hackett, sir, it's good to see you." Kaidan had to swallow the greasy ball of anxiety that bubbled in his stomach, his salute snapping off sharply.

"At ease, Staff Commander. I'm sure you're wondering why we've called you here."

Kaidan could only manage parade rest. Being in the presence of two of the Alliance's best brought out the rigid soldier in him. The fact that he was withholding information regarding Olivia's activities made it even worse. Not that he really knew where she was at the moment, but that was beside the point.

"Sit, Staff Commander, we have a delicate situation we need to discuss." Anderson waved his arm over to a small table. Kaidan hesitated a moment before following the two men. If he was being called to the carpet for withholding information they had a peculiar way of going about it.

"We've come into possession of some information and, frankly, Staff Commander, we're not exactly sure what to think of it. Of the original _Normandy_ crew, you were the one to know Shepard best, so I'm hoping that you can shed some light on this." Anderson leaned forward and tapped a command into his Omni-tool. A holo of Olivia Shepard materialized before him showing her mission on Aite. Kaidan felt that greasy ball in his stomach squirm.

"This data packet was sent to both of our personal emails, Staff Commander. I know what I'd like to believe what I'm seeing, but I want your take on it." The Admiral's grey eyes drilled into Kaidan, unblinking. There was a gravitas to the Admiral that Kaidan rarely saw elsewhere. This was a man who carried the weight of command and bore it well. There were few that could do the same.

Kaidan watched the Aite mission for what was probably the twentieth time. He could probably recite it verbatim he had seen it so many times.

"Mr. Alenko, by the look on your face this is not the first time you've seen this."

Kaidan swallowed heavily and tapped a few keys on his Omni-tool. A matching holo sprang up in view. If Anderson and the Admiral were surprised by his revelation, they hid it well.

"I received this early this morning. I, I think it's authentic. I think that it's Oliv-, Shepard's way of telling us she's still with us. That she hasn't turned traitor."

"There's a lot of things Shepard is, but traitor is not one I would use to describe her Staff Commander." Anderson's voice was hard, biting. Kaidan could feel Anderson's disapproval rake over him and knew then that the Councilor had never doubted Shepard, had never questioned her motives. Flicking at glance over at the Admiral, Kaidan saw only relief on his face. Clearly the Admiral was relieved by what he heard, maybe glad that he wasn't the only one who wanted to believe in Shepard's innocence.

And their faith made him feel like shit.

"The question is, gentlemen, what do we do with this information. From the looks of it, Shepard took care of this situation, but it does help give us some solid evidence of Cerberus' activities and what they are willing to do."

This was the moment where Kaidan knew that he should come clean about the other data packages, but he couldn't. It was one thing to admit that he had received the Aite footage, but he had been getting the data packets for weeks now. Besides that, it was personal; Olivia's personal messages to him.

"Sirs, if the information Shepard gave us here is any indication, I think it's safe to assume that we'll be receiving more from her."

"I agree. For now, however, I want to keep this between us. I was there when Shepard came back and spoke with the Council. Hell, I invited her to come. Believe me I was surprised when the Council gave her back her Spectre status, but if that's not a vote of confidence, I don't know what is."

"Staff Commander, I believe it goes without saying that if you receive any more data packets from Shepard detailing Cerberus' activities, that you'll bring them to us."

"Of course, Admiral." It was the first time Kaidan had ever lied to a superior. Well, a half-lie anyway. Naturally if Olivia sent him anything detailing Cerberus' activities or information regarding the Illusive Man he would turn it over, but her personal diary? No, that he couldn't do.

* * *

An hour later he sat back in his apartment, watching the vids Olivia had sent him, or rather the person who sent them. He tried to track back the signal, but whoever had sent them had covered their tracks well. Actually, there weren't any tracks at all. It was as if the packets had showed up in his inbox like magic.

His tech skills weren't all that impressive, nowhere near Olivia's, but he still should have been able to find _something_.

He hated it, but a small part of him still doubted. Still wondered. He thought maybe, just maybe, if he was able to talk with Olivia again, face-to-face that it might allay his doubts.

Could be he was lying to himself. Could be that he just wanted to see her once more. To be able to talk to her. Hold her.

It was a cruel torture to find out that she was alive only to be out of his reach.

God he missed her.

_A/N: Sorry for the delay, this chapter gave me some trouble before I could pin it down. Any concrit is most welcome!_


	8. A Thin Red Line

_12.08.12—So sorry for the long lag in updates. But here's the next installment. I'm working on the next one and hope to get it up within the next week or so providing the world doesn't end on December 21. ;)_

* * *

Olivia was beginning to think that recruiting the assassin Thane Krios was more trouble than he was worth. Sure there were plenty of things and mercs for her to shoot at, but she felt like time was running out. She could feel the Collectors pressing in and with the Reapers pulling their strings it was only a matter of time before things got drastically worse.

It didn't help matters any that a portion of her brain was still focusing on her reunion with Liara. While it was good to see another familiar and friendly face, Olivia didn't know what to think about the fact that Liara had turned her body over to Cerberus. There was a story there that Liara wasn't talking about; Olivia just hoped that sooner or later her old friend would tell her.

The elevator doors opened, revealing a lone merc talking on a link with one of his comrades. Olivia stood there for a moment, just listening. Why were all the mercs she came across so stupid? She slid a side-glance to Garrus and rolled her eyes when their gazes met. The Turian just shook his head in unspoken agreement.

Olivia stood for a minute listening to the idiot bragging about how he could take care of the intruders no problem. After she couldn't take it anymore, she strode up to the merc, shoving at his shoulder, forcing him to spin around. Olivia could almost hear the merc's eyes widen behind his enclosed helmet. Despite all his bravado, it had obviously never occurred to him that he would encounter the "intruders" and have to deal with them.

"Hey! Watch it, you might want to be careful who you push around. It could be unhealthy for you." The merc stroked his sidearm, what looked like a knock-off version of a Predator. One would think that Nassana would spend more money on the weapons that her mercs carried.

"Listen asshole, I don't have time to get into a pissing match with you. Where is the assassin? You have about thirty seconds to tell me or you're going to experience a sudden drop with a quick stop." Olivia never really had the knack for diplomacy and she had even less patience for it tonight. She just wanted to recruit this Krios and get back to the _Normandy_.

"I ain't gotta tell you nothing. There'll be a dozen mercs here any second and then we'll see how badass you are."

"That's not what I just heard you tell Nassana. Said you could take us all on. Isn't that what he said Garrus?"

"I believe so Shepard."

Olivia turned back to the merc, her eyes narrowing. "The assassin. You have fifteen seconds."

"I don't know nothing. Nobody knows. Guy's a ghost. You think you've got him and then, poof, he's gone."

"Wrong answer asshole."

Olivia shoved hard. The plate glass window breaking almost too easily as the merc fell through; the tinkling sound of glass followed him as he plummeted to the ground. Olivia leaned out the frame, watching with grim satisfaction. Violence may not always be the answer, but sometimes it felt good.

"Well, that's one way to interrogate a person," Garrus drawled as he shouldered his rifle.

"He bothered me," Olivia said as she stepped back.

"Lots of people seem to be bothering you as of late Shepard."

"What are you trying to say Garrus? You didn't seem to have a problem with putting a bullet between Sidonis' eyes."

"That was different. Sidonis was a traitor. That guy was an idiot. If we killed every idiot we came across the universe we'd do more damage to the galactic population than the Collectors."

Olivia just stared at Garrus as an uncomfortable silence fell among the group. While not outright insubordinate, Garrus had been giving her more pushback lately regarding some of her decisions. Was she getting more ruthless? The scars on her face said yes. Chakwas had told her that they were linked to her emotional state and there were definitely more red thin lines tracing down her face than there had been three weeks ago.

They had started to fade, but since Horizon they had spread out in a jagged spider web pattern across her cheeks. If one looked closely enough they could see a dim red light in her left eye. She didn't spend a lot of time in front of the mirror.

"Now isn't the time for this Garrus. We'll talk once we're back on the _Normandy._"

"Won't _that_ be a fun conversation? I don't envy you Garrus. But can I watch? Somebody has to be there to confirm who wins and distribute the winnings to those who've put money into the pool."

"Kasumi-."

"I know, I know. Not the time for this. You're no fun anymore. Why don't we find that assassin then?"

"Yes. Let's."

* * *

They encountered more mercs on their way up. Some even got creative with a couple of stationary rocket drones, but Garrus' sniper skills and her missile launcher made short work of them. It had been the bridge that connected the two towers that gave her a bit of trouble. Funny that looking out the window as the Eclipse merc fell didn't bother her but crossing a simple bridge made her break out into a sweat. It reminded her too much of getting spaced, being exposed like that. She was much happier just blowing shit up. Fortunately, Nassana's mercs were more than happy to oblige her.

Once past the bridge and the rocket drones, it was ridiculously easy for Olivia and her team to get to Nassana's penthouse. Nassana had mercs a plenty, but brawn apparently trumped brains in this outfit.

Sunlight filtered through the upper penthouse rooms as Olivia entered with Garrus and Kasumi, guns drawn. Nassana stood behind her desk, flanked by Eclipse mercs. The Asari was pacing back and forth, shouting orders over her comlink. She stopped mid sentence when she saw Olivia, her eyes widening with disbelief.

"Shepard. But you're dead."

"I got better."

"You came back from the grave to kill me? Should I be honored? Who hired you?"

"You've made a lot of enemies Nassana, all of which want you dead. Take your pick."

"Cut the shit Shepard. Whatever they're paying you, I'll double it."

"Please Nassana, do I really look like a gun for hire? Besides, I've seen the mercs you hired. I'm not impressed."

"You expect me to believe that you decimated my mercs and you're _not_ here to kill me? Please, I haven't survived this long without recognizing a threat when I see one."

"Oh, I am a threat Nassana, just not the one you're expecting." Something thumped softly in the ceiling. Olivia wouldn't have been able to hear to without the cybernetic implants Cerberus had given her, but it was there. She kept her eyes on Nassana who was spouting her paranoia and jumping at the slightest sound as a shadow dropped down from the ceiling. It moved quickly, snapping the necks of one of the mercs before crushing the throat of another. The last fell to a well-aimed pistol shot before the shadow turned his attention on Nassana.

It was almost over before it began. Watching the assassin work, Olivia realized that Nassana and her mercs had never stood a chance against this man. Any doubts she had regarding bringing Krios on board vanished as she watched him lay Nassana on the console, crossing the Asari's hands over her chest before he brought up his hands and bowed his head as if in supplication.

"That was quite an entrance if I do say so. The guy has style." Humor laced Garrus' voice even as he maintained the ready position, waiting for Olivia's order to stand down. Krios was still an unknown quantity until she said otherwise.

Minutes passed by as the assassin continued to stand before Nassana's body, Ilium's sun creating a halo around him. It gave him an ethereal aura that one wouldn't expect from an assassin.

"Um, hello?"

"My apologies, but the prayers for the wicked cannot wait."

"Nassana doesn't deserve any prayers, not after what I've seen today."

"You mistake me. The prayers were not for her, they were for me."

Olivia's brow scrunched in confusion, certain that she had heard wrong, but the look on the Drell's face said that she hadn't. Strange. Or maybe not. She wasn't really sure but that was a question to be dealt with at another time.

"You sure took your sweet time getting here."

"You provided a useful distraction. Plus I wanted to see what you would do."

"So you used me as bait. Nice."

"I suppose that could be looked upon as callous but as I said, I wanted to see what you would do, get a judge of your character."

"Really? And what did you find?"

"You showed a determination to get the job done and didn't let anything get in your way but there was also compassion as well. Some wouldn't have helped those Salarians but you did."

Olivia shrugged. It wasn't as if she could have just left them there to their own devices or let that one Salarian suffer in needless pain. She reserved her ruthlessness for her enemies; she hadn't lost herself that much. Olivia signaled to the others to stand down, collapsing her own weapon at the same time.

"I'm here to ask for your help defeating the Collectors. They're kidnapping human colonies and I mean to stop them."

"Ah yes, the Collectors. I heard of them. Ruthless, indiscriminate." Krios paused as he turned to look out the window. "This was to be my last job. I'm dying you see."

"Dying?"

"Yes. It's a slow death, Kepral's Syndrome, but my abilities and skills are not affected, I assure you." Thane turned back to her. "I will help you on your mission Shepard, free of charge. The Collectors are a threat that cannot be ignored and it is a good way for this soul to redeem itself."

Olivia had no response to that. She didn't even know what to make of his statement. All she could do was welcome him aboard and that she would meet up with him on the Normandy.


	9. Empty Souls

Olivia stood outside Life Support where EDI had lodged Thane. It was her habit to check in with new recruits shortly after they boarded but now she hesitated. There was something about Thane that unnerved her. No, that wasn't exactly it, not entirely. In the short amount of time she had known him he had managed to bring to light her actions as of late.

He reminded her a bit of Kaidan, before Horizon that is, before she got spaced. Not that they were really similar at all, but they shared a similar spirit, were able to look deep into a person and see their true self.

Olivia shook her head, not liking where her thoughts were going. She was better off when she didn't think about Kaidan but he snuck up on her when she was least expecting it. Staying angry was the only way to keep him away but that anger was taking a toll.

Underneath the anger, the sadness, was exhaustion. So much fell to her shoulders and it felt that no matter how many she recruited for this mission she was falling short.

A swish of air rushed at her as she finally entered Life Support. Thane sat the room's only table. The room was Spartan, with only the soft beeping of instruments filling the air. There wasn't even a bed or cot in there, which begged the question just where did Thane sleep?

"Did you need something?"

"I'd like to talk if you don't mind."

"Certainly. There hasn't been much time since I came on board, I'm sure you have questions."

You could say that, Olivia said to herself as she rounded the table and sat down. She hadn't met many Drell but she was certain that most of them didn't hold the aura of peace (or calm, she wasn't sure) around them like Thane did. If she hadn't seen him in action she would have serious doubts regarding his capabilities.

"You said you were dying. Is that something I should be worried about?"

"Kepral's is not contagious, even to other Drell. Drell are not native to the Hanar homeworld and Kepral's is the result of living in such a humid environment. It is, sadly, one of the leading causes of death among the Drell, though the Hanar are working to change that."

"Is there anything we can do for you?"

"I assure you Commander, it is being tended to, thank you. And as I said before, my condition does not affect my capabilities."

Olivia heard the unspoken "yet" in Thane's words but decided to let it go. As long as he was an asset to the team she saw no reason to doubt him.

"I'm still curious regarding your prayer for the wicked. How can you separate the body from the mind? The mind tells the body what to do, it doesn't act on its own."

"My body is but a weapon to be used by others. Yours is the same, is it not?" Thane continued before she could respond. "My body may commit the action, but my soul does not, thus keeping both Whole."

"I'm afraid I don't understand."

"The body and the soul are two parts of a Whole. Severe trauma, either mental or physical, disrupts this balance. By directing it as a separate entity, I can maintain the balance between the body and soul."

A frown marred Olivia's face. She still didn't understand, or maybe, just maybe, she understood all too well. Ever since she had woken up in the Cerberus lab she had felt different, like she wasn't even a part of herself anymore.

Death would definitely count as severe trauma.

"How does one maintain the balance, once it's lost that is."

Thane stood up, walking over to a bank of instrument panels. His voice floated back to her like a whisper in the dark.

"It can be regained, but not without sacrifice. Sometimes one must let go of the past in order to obtain the future. The balance can be regained, the center can hold, but you have to be willing to find it. Anger, fear, hate, these things can and will hold you back.

"I know about your past Shepard. I wouldn't have agreed to this venture if I didn't know something of you. Death is a departure from the body and to force it back in is unnatural, but you are a fighter, a survivor. You will find a way. Of that I am certain."

Olivia cleared her throat. She didn't know why she had ventured into Thane's spiritual beliefs. At first it had been mere curiosity. It hadn't made sense to her that he would pray for his so-called wicked behavior in assassinating Nassana. She considered the Asari's death as pest control, something that everyone would benefit from.

But maybe Thane had a point. The taking of a life took something out of a person. She had witnessed it on the streets growing up, had seen it on Akuze.

She had suspected it for a while now and that was why she so often let anger guide her actions. There was something broken inside her and she didn't know how to get it back.

"I should go. We'll talk later."

"Of course, Commander. I'm here if you need me."

* * *

"Jesus fucking Christ, Olivia. What's happening to you?"

There was no one to answer Kaidan's question, just the image of Olivia on the screen. She had changed, drastically, since the last message. That had been weeks ago, not long after his meeting with Anderson and Hackett, so when the untraceable data package had shown up in his inbox he had released a sigh of relief he had barely realized that he held.

His relief had not lasted long.

He barely recognized the woman on the screen. The deep red lines that had been almost absent in the last message were back and deeper and brighter than before. She looked hollowed out. He had never seen her like this, not even after Ashley's death. Olivia had taken that hard. She hated loosing a member of her crew, something that was a result from her experience on Akuze no doubt.

"_I'm losing myself Kaidan. I can feel it. Bit by bit I'm losing myself."_

Kaidan watched helplessly as tears spilled over and tracked down her face, following the lines etched into her face. Never had he felt this helpless before, not even on Jump Zero.

"_Part of me wonders if I didn't lose a part of my soul when I died; that I didn't come all the way back. I want to believe that I'm still me, but there's so much anger in me and I don't know what to do with it. There are only so many enemies that I can kill before I tip over that edge they talk about."_

For the first time Kaidan wished that he had never opened that first data packet. He couldn't see her like this.

"_We just recruited a new member. A Drell named Thane Krios. He's pretty impressive, combat wise. Do you remember Nassana? Someone put a contract out on her life. No surprise there right? Anyway, Thane took the contract. He cut through Nassana's mercs like water. I've never seen anyone move like that. He was like a shadow in the dark."_

Something dark and ugly curled in Kaidan's stomach as she spoke about the Drell. He knew he didn't have any right to be jealous, especially after how he had treated her on Horizon, but it was undeniably there.

"_He's not what you would expect from an assassin. There's a deeper level there I've never seen in anyone else. He talks about how the soul and body make a Whole. Whole with a capital W, like it's something more than just a word. _

Olivia paused then, wiping away the tears on her face and looking at her hand as if disbelieving that they were there.

"_Severe trauma to either tears at the Whole, or that's what he says anyway. I'm wondering now if that's what is happening to me. I'm lost Kaidan, empty, and I don't know how to get back."_

Kaidan's biotics erupted from him without warning, causing a small blast zone around his desk. It had been years since he had lost control like that and he wasn't quite sure what to make of it.

The personal entry had ended there, flipping to what Kaidan considered her official report. He barely listened to it. He couldn't get the image of Olivia crying out of his mind.

* * *

The cool metal of her desk felt like a balm against her skin. Exhaustion had set in, or more accurately she was just now realizing how tired she was.

And alone.

Funny. She was on a ship full of people but she felt alone.

"I don't know if I can do this," she murmured into the desk, her breath fogging the surface. She closed her eyes and tried to center herself. A soft whoosh of air blew over her, making the flesh on her bared arms pebble.

"You put too much on yourself Shepard. You're putting together a great crew here, you need to trust in them and your judgment."

A pair of ghost hands smoothed down her bare neck, the thumbs massaging the stubborn knot that was her constant companion. They were warm and knew exactly where to push.

"I do trust them. It's me that I don't trust."

"You'll find the way. I know you will. Believe in that if nothing else."

The fingers threaded through her hair, pulling it from its binder. They stroked from the top of her skull down to her nape, sliding around the curve of her ear in a way that made her toes curl in pleasure.

Her hair fell to one side as she felt warm lips press to the curve of her neck. It was a familiar feeling, one that she hadn't felt in years.

"Kaidan." His name breathed unbidden through her lips, fogging the desk's surface. She could feel his lips move up her neck to whisper into her ear.

"I'm here Liv, I always will be."

It was the use of his private nickname for her that shattered her out of sleep. She was still at her desk, could feel the imprint of a data pad embedded into her cheek, but she could also still feel his lips next to her ear.

"What the fuck?"

With everything that was going on right now she didn't need to be dreaming of Kaidan. Even though he was somewhere across the universe he was still a distraction. Problem was that she couldn't decide if that was good or bad.

As painful as it was to have these remembrances of him, they anchored her. She couldn't explain it, but there it was.

It had been two weeks since her last journal entry, the one where she had broken down in front of the screen. And even though she knew no one had seen it, a part of her was ashamed by it. She hadn't gotten to the point where she was by falling apart like that.

She was all over the map. Her talks with Thane had started it all. She took more care with her decisions now, wasn't quite as reckless and merciless. The others had said nothing, keeping a respectful distance but not in the defensive mode that she hadn't realized they had adopted. Even Garrus. He seemed to realize that she needed to work through this herself but he was still there for her. In another life she could see herself loving him, but that wasn't to be.

Her heart only belonged to one person. It always would and it was a slow realization that mending the rift between them was an integral part of bringing her body and soul back together again.

She didn't want to be an empty soul. Not anymore.


	10. The Slow Knife in the Dark

VIDEO SYNC INITIATED...

AUDIO SYNC INITIATED...

COMMENCING TRANSMISSION...

"This place gives me the creeps. It doesn't make any sense. How could a Turian patrol disable a ship this big? I don't get it."

"Since when has anything on this mission made sense Garrus? But you're right, this place just doesn't feel right."

"This looks like a giant insect hive."

"That's a lovely thought Miranda. If that's true, where are the insects? There aren't any bodies except for the human colonists."

"Shepard. I have compared this ship's EM signature against other known Collector vessels. It is the same vessel you encountered on Horizon."

"Well, that's convenient. Maybe the defense tower there softened it up a bit. Let's move on people, I don't want to be here a second longer than we have to—holy Christ."

PLAYBACK PAUSED. VIDEO ENHANCEMENT INITIALIZED. LOCALIZING QUADRANT 24.48. ENLARGING.

"What the hell are we looking at Alenko?"

"I have no idea, Councilor Anderson. This is the third time I've watched this and I still don't know what to make of it. I can confirm those are the same pods I saw on Horizon though. From what I can gather, the Illusive Man sent Shepard there to investigate Collector tech, but, well, maybe you should see for yourself."

Kaidan didn't want to watch the video again but Anderson needed to see it and also needed his impressions. The amount of reckless carnage, the violence of seeing what had happened to the Horizon colonists, it was almost too much. He couldn't imagine what it was like to see it first hand as Olivia had.

He still couldn't get over how wrecked she looked in her last journal entry. And there was no way that he was going to tell Anderson that. The glowing red scars, the exhaustion, the tears, none of it. As far as Kaidan was concerned, the Councilor didn't need to know.

RESUMING PLAYBACK...

"Is that a Collector? Were they experimenting on their own?"

"EDI, I'm uploading the data from this terminal. Give me an analysis."

"One moment. Analysis complete. Shepard, the results show a baseline genetic comparison. It appears that someone was comparing human genetics with that of Collectors."

"Why would they do that? Were they looking for similarities?"

"I cannot guess as to why, but the preliminary results show something amazing. The genetic structure is identical to traces found in ancient ruins, the structure is found in only one race: the Protheans."

"Wait just a damn minute. The Protheans are working for the Reapers?"

"There have been extensive genetic rewrites, Shepard. The Reapers have repurposed them and are using them for their own needs."

"This goes beyond indoctrination. The Reapers took them and changed them into monsters. You can be certain that they have the same in mind for humanity. As if I needed a bigger reason to stop the Reapers."

"That cannot happen. They are not going to do to us what they did to the Protheans."

"You're not going to get an argument from me Miranda. Let's move out before the Collectors get here to salvage this boat."

CORRUPTED DATA. FAST FORWARDING TO NEXT SEGMENT. AUDIO FILE CORRUPTED. PROCEEDING WITH VIDEO ONLY...

"My god, is that what I think it is?"

"I think so Councilor. There are thousands, perhaps hundreds of thousands, of pods on that ship; too many to count really. It can only mean one thing. We already know that the Collectors are targeting humanity, so it only makes sense -."

"For Earth to be next."

"Yes. Councilor Anderson, if we were to show this to Alliance Command or the Citadel Council they would surely have to believe that the Reapers are real."

"In a perfect world, Alenko, in a perfect world. As it is, neither Command nor the Council will take this as proof."

"Why the hell not? Once they see this evidence-."

"But it's not evidence, Staff Commander, at least not as they would see it. Even though the Council gave Shepard her Spectre status back they aren't going to believe something they don't want to believe. You were there when they first initiated her to the Spectres. They don't believe that the Reapers are real and will do just about anything to preserve that belief."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"It's politics. It's not supposed to." Anderson sighed, staring at the screen, watching as Shepard moved through the Collector ship. "As for the Alliance, well, I can only hope that Admiral Hackett can help us there."

AUDIO FILE INITIALIZING. RESUMING FULL PLAYBACK.

"Uh, Commander, you might want to hear this. I had EDI analyze that Collector ship and you're not going to believe this. That's the same ship that attacked the first _Normandy_. Bastards."

"Well, isn't that just fucking peachy. The same ship dogging me for two years. Coincidence my ass."

"I brought enough ordinance with me Shepard. You want to blow it up? I know I'd want a little payback."

"Tempting Garrus, very tempting, but not yet. We need to get what we came here for."

"There's the Command Counsel ahead on the platform, Shepard. We need to hurry, something doesn't feel right about this."

"No need to tell me twice Miranda. EDI, I'm setting up a bridge between here and the Normandy, find me something."

"Data mining in process. Wait. There's something-."

"What the hell? EDI, what just happened?"

"A major power surge Commander. Everything went dark for a moment, but we're back up now."

"Well, thanks for that assessment Joker, but I think that was more than just a power surge."

"You are correct, Shepard. This was not a malfunction. This was a trap."

"Of course it is. Just another day in the life of Commander Shepard."

"We got incoming Shepard."

"Roger that Garrus. Everyone, defensive positions. Could use a little help here EDI!"

"It is difficult to maintain connection, there is someone else in the system."

"Well, kick them out, EDI."

"One moment."

"We don't have a moment EDI. I have Collectors incoming."

"Connection established. I will need time to complete the upload."

"By all means EDI, take your fucking time. It's not like I don't have a goddamn full squadron on Collectors coming down on my ass."

"I am currently combating Collector firewalls across eight thousand nodes while trying to processing the upload. I am tasked to capacity."

"Shit, goddamn, fuck. Screw you Harbinger and the ship you flew in on."

FORWARDING TO NEXT SEGMENT...

"Well, one thing's for sure. Shepard sure hasn't lost her diplomacy skills."

"Or lack of them, Councilor?"

"Indeed. What is this Harbinger?"

"I don't know Sir. If I were to speculate I would say that Harbinger is the one controlling the Collectors."

"So Harbinger is a Reaper then."

"It would seem so, Councilor. It jumps from body to body. Just as Shepard and her crew bring down one, Harbinger jumps to another. As along as there are Collectors around it's a sure bet Harbinger is there as well."

"Hmmm. Maybe someday we can show this to N7 recruits. It would make a great training video."

"Respectfully, sir, this would scare the piss out of them."

"They scare the piss out of me, Staff Commander, and I've been around the block a time or two." Anderson focused back on the monitor, a grim smile stretching across his face.

RESUMING PLAYBACK.

"Thanks EDI. You did good there."

"I always operate at optimal capacity. I found data that will allow us to successfully travel through the Omega 4 Relay, but there is more."

"What do you mean EDI?"

"The Collectors were the source of the Turian distress call. Turian emergency beacons have a dual level of encryption. Both are there, but there is corruption in the second layer. It is highly unlikely that the Illusive Man would believe this was a genuine distress call."

"Are you telling me that asshole sent us into a trap?"

"So it would seem Shepard."

"God_damn_ that bastard. I will end him."

END TRANSMISSION. DATA PACKAGE COMPLETE.

"Ah, well, then, that's not entirely unexpected."

"Yeah, the Illusive Man. Bastard was all too eager to throw Shepard into a trap. The Cerberus Operative, Miranda, seems to be surprised by it though."

"Indeed she does. It's a hard thing to learn that someone you've trusted isn't what you think, or vice versa."

Kaidan grimaced. Yes, it was a hard thing. He would just about anything to have Olivia unlearn that lesson.

"Do you think they'll make it, sir? Through the Omega 4 Relay?"

"I wish I could answer with one hundred percent certainty, Staff Commander, but if there's anyone in this galaxy who can pull off a stunt like this, it's Commander Shepard."

"Commander? The Illusive Man is online in the Briefing Room. I'm sure you have a few choice words for him."

"You bet your ass I do."

* * *

Olivia let her rage carry her to the Briefing Room. She was angry, pissed, but not in the way she had been lately. This rage was righteous. She didn't care what excuses the Illusive Man came up with; there was no excuse for sending her and her team in blind like that.

To quote an old Earth vid, he had some 'splaining to do.

Olivia waited impatiently as the com system scanned her in. When the Illusive Man finally came into view it was all she could do not to charge at him. A futile action she knew, she'd only end up hurting herself and she'd still be in the same situation.

"What. The fuck. Was that? You _knew_ it was a trap and you sent us in anyway?"

"It was necessary."

"Necessary? _Necessary?_ You spent millions of credits bringing me back to life only to send me to near certain death? Doesn't make a lot of fucking sense to me."

"Shepard, if I had sent you in there knowing that it was a trap, your actions would have alerted the Collectors and you would have met a larger force, one that even your team couldn't have dealt with. Doing it my way, we got the information we needed about the Omega 4 Relay plus some valuable intel on the Collectors _and_ the Reapers themselves." He paused, taking a deep drag on his cigarette. Olivia hoped he choked on it. "It was a calculated risk and I don't regret it."

"If you ever, _ever_, put my team in danger like that again..." Olivia couldn't continue, her throat choked with rage.

"We may have our disagreements Shepard, but I think we can both agree that there is a bigger enemy to deal with here."

"Indeed we do."

"You need to retrieve that IFF. You won't make it through the relay without it."

"I know that, but my team's not ready. I want a full compliment before I go on this suicide mission of yours."

"It's not _my_ suicide mission Shepard, it's for all humanity."

"You keep telling yourself that. My team and I are the ones with our assess on the line." Shepard disconnected the link before he could respond. For once she got the last word in.

It felt damn good.

* * *

_A/N: I tried something different with this chapter. I kind of liked the idea of Kaidan and Anderson playing armchair quarterback. Let me know if it works. :)_


	11. Chapter 11

Sorry but this was the easiest way I could think of to let everyone who's following this story to let you guys know that I won't be updating this (or any of my other work) here on fanfic . net . I will be posting on AO3 if you want to still follow the story (same user name, SorchaCahill). It's just easier for me to keep everything in one spot and I'm trying to simplify my life right now.

Thanks to you all for reading and your support!


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